What to do when you are afraid and hiding

Fear makes us hide behind something.

I’m the youngest of eight children. There was constant motion and noise with 10 people under one roof. Whenever people fought, I hid. My favorite spot was behind an arm chair in the living room.

I loved my hiding place. It was safe. I imagined I was on a playground, where I climb the monkey bars, swing as high as my legs would pump on the swing, and dig in the sand pit. It was my coping mechanism and it worked.

As an adult, I continue to hide. I don’t share for fear of getting hurt. I have a beautiful armor of confidence that hides my vulnerability. “Let me help you. I’m here for you first. I’m focused on what you need.” These are examples of how I hide. I don’t know how to receive the same type of support for myself. My childhood coping mechanism is hampering me.

How do I know I’m hiding? Because my dear friends tell me. They gently coax me to come out from behind the arm chair. I’m willing to learn how to stop hiding because I crave connection and belonging.

Here are the steps to come out of your hiding place:

Notice when and how you hide. Ask, “Am I ‘keeping it together’, or care taking the needs of others to the exclusion of mine? When they ask me how I am, do I answer, F.I.N.E.?” This acronym stands for Frantic, Insecure, Neurotic, and Egotistical.
Acknowledge your discomfort when sharing. This is normal and to be expected.
Identify the payoff you get from hiding. There are four.
- I don’t have to change.
- I don’t have to learn a new behavior.
- I don’t have to take personally accountability.
- I don’t have to make a choice.
Start small. Share one thing you normally wouldn’t. For example: “I think I made a mistake in taking on this client.” It may feel big in your head until you say it out loud.

Doing these four steps with friends enabled me to connect, to belong, and to see that they don’t leave when I share who I am. I experience an endless series of magical miracles!